Stuck at home

That’s the way I’ve always thought of it. When pumpkin was little and I was a SAHM, there were a few of those great days when the weather was great, the baby was happy and all seemed right with the world. More often I was stuck, stuck in the house paralyzed, unable to decide whether it was worth the trouble to get everything together and go out and whether I could stand to be stuck in the house for another minute. Often I only made it out as far as the local Burger King drive through.

Pumpkin is now older, in primary school, and I’ve been working outside the home one way or another since she was 3 year old. I’ve enjoyed having something to get up for each day, expectations and a purpose that are easy to describe and fulfill. I’ve enjoyed buying nice new clothes and going out to lunch. What I have not enjoyed is watching my daughter beg not to go to after-school care, wonder why I’m not there to read to her at night and never being invited on a field trip because the classroom moms know I work and it’s not worth even asking.

I’m in the extremely fortunate position of being able to walk away from my job without damaging my family’s financial situation. So, after a lot of thought I’ve quit my job. I’m not totally leaving the work place; I’ll be working from home very part-time hours. I hope this new arrangement will help me find more balance in my life, whatever that looks like.

So today, school was out and I stayed home with Pumpkin. I’ll soon be home even more often so I looked at today as a dry run. I made a list of all the things I wanted to get done, cleaning, cooking, groceries, paper work, you know little things. I was doing great as pumpkin and the neighbor’s kid played and ran inside and out acting out some detective, kidnapping game. But then they de-camped to the neighbors and I was supposed to go out and run a few errands. And I again felt that paralyzing feeling, the one that makes me uncertain whether it’s worth the trouble of going out, whether it’s better to just stay home and watch Coyote Ugly. I’m embarrassed to admit which won out. This doesn’t bode well for me future does it?

A new start

I’ve decided to try blogging as a way of keeping track of my efforts to find a measure of peace and balance in my life. I recently quit my job as part of my effort to find more time for myself and my family.

I’m looking forward to more flexibility but so afraid I’m going to fritter it away. I’ll spend all my time eating, watching TV, and piddling on the internet. My hope is that I’ll get up each morning, fix pumpkin a healthy breakfast and packed lunch, send her off to school, go to the gym and workout, go to the library and work, eat a pre-packed healthy lunch myself, and walk pumpkin home from school. Its not that ambitious unless you know me and how easy it is for me to get off track. I tell myself tomorrow, in an hour, just this one time. and before you know it I’ve let time slip right by me. I don’t want to be such a lazy git. Three more weeks befoe I can begin to see which way I fall.